Preppy Girl's Guide

Okay, so you may or may not know that I work in a customer service related field. It seems like the "crazies" have come out in the past few days. The place where I work is somewhat like a resort/park and sees most of its business in the summer tourist season. Today, is officially "hump day," or half-way through the season day. Many a good story comes from this line of work, and the following is no exception.

Today (I can only imagine in honor of "hump day") we have a lady complaining that she needs a handicapped parking pass for her cat, yes her cat. Wait, it gets better. Apparently, the lady is an asthma sufferer. She walks around with her cat on her shoulder like a parrot. The cat has been trained to detect when an attack is coming (let's see, whenever this hairy cat sits on your shoulder, three inches from all your air passages... an attack is coming - AMAZING). This super-cat will only go to the bathroom in a litter box, which the lady keeps in her van... soooo, it would be really inconvenient for her to keep walking out to our parking lot everytime the cat needs to relieve itself. Hmmm... we didn't fight it. Here's your special pass lady.

You can't make this stuff up.

I live in a pretty small town. Along with the small town mentality comes a small town newspaper. Ours has been dubbed: "The Post-Urinal." It is the butt of several jokes and many people believe their spell checker has actually exploded from detecting too many mistakes. Today they lived up to their reputation. A small headline on page 5 reads:

"Feds Shit Down Drug Smuggling Tunnel Under U.S. Canadian Border:"

Need I say more?

UPDATE:
The following toon ran in a local mag a few days later:

Last night my husband and I took the kids for a walk. We're finally feeling some relief from this heatwave and it seemed like the perfect night for it. As we strolled (with the old double stroller) down a shady street, we talked about our day and our "to-do" lists for the weekend. I mentioned I'd need to take a shower when we got home, to save time in the morning. A couple of seconds went by when my husband said,"Oh jeez, I can see why you need to take a shower!" I panicked - Do I smell? Can he see how long the hair is on my legs? "What do you mean?" I asked. "I can see your runway." Huh? He looks at the top of my head. Apparently, my very gray roots look like a little runway down the middle of my head.

I'm not sure if I'm more offended that he called it a "runway" or that he thinks the only purpose of me taking a shower is so I can dye my hair beforehand. In either case, I'm not too worried that anyone else will notice - I'm 5'10" and my husband is 6'7" and... I'm not seriously offended either. We laughed about it all the way home.

So, in my perfect little life (not) I leave work, pick up the kids and meet my husband back at the house for dinner. He works about 45 minutes away so it is easier for me to pick up the kids (he'd never make it on time). Well, he is on summer break, but has been going in occasionally to clean up his office. Yesterday (unbeknownst to me) he decided to stay home (apparently). He called me at about 2 pm and said, "Honey, is it okay if I go see Batman at 3:45?" I guess so? I'll admit that I hate when he asks me for permission to do something he's already intending to do. Like, if I give permission, then it's almost like it was my idea. At the end of the phone call he says "If I'm not home for dinner, just heat up some stuff from the fridge." Thanks for the tip (I say with no sarcasm).

So... home he comes around 6:30. I tell him we already ate and his is on the counter. He says, "Well, I had popcorn at the movie, so I think I'll skip it." Whatever. I am lightly annoyed but I get past it. Five minutes later I am reminded, "Honey, I have rehearsal tonight from 7:30 -10:30." Great, another night home alone with the kids. My disastrous day is complete, or so I thought.

He gets home around 10:00, I would normally be delighted with his early arrival except that the kids are still both awake (1 yr old was asleep but woke up). We decide to divide and conquer. He'll take the 1 yr old, I'll get the 4 yr old. As I'm lying with the 4 yr old in her room, I hear some noise in the bathroom. The toilet seat, some water running, water dripping on the floor - WAIT, water dripping on the floor? I spring up to find my 1 yr old flinging a wet toilet brush in one hand and a plunger in the other (he is somewhat fascinated with the Crapper). Where the hell is my husband? He is still downstairs trying to finish up a chapter of the new Harry Potter Book.

I clean up the floor (which is luckily covered in toilet water, not actual crap) and another day comes to an end. My mother keeps telling me these are my happy years. HA!

Let me begin by saying, I love my husband, I really truly and sincerely do - but I am continually reminded of his faults. Here's how our morning went:

7:30 - Wake up in 4 year old's bed (where I fell asleep last night)
7:33 - After going pee, I turn on the iron then move to my bedroom
          and lay down next to my husband who's watching the news
7:34 - get up and move sleeping 4 year old to the toilet
7:35 - pick out play clothes for 4 yr old (they're painting
          w/mud @ school today)
7:37 - help 4yr old wipe and send her off to see daddy
          (who's still lying in bed)
7:38 - Husband shushes 4 yr old to not wake up 1 yr old 
          (who has to be woken anyway)
7:39 - I iron overalls for 1 yr old
7:40 - I wake up 1 yr old, change diaper and dress him
7:42 - kids play together while I pack 4 yr old's change of 
           clothes(for post mud-painting time)
7:45 - Husband complains that kids are climbing on him
7:46 - Husband decides to get up and get dressed
7:47 - I pick up the tub toys from the night before (fearing
          husband will complain when he moves to the shower)
7:48 - Husband gets dressed without shower 
          (he's on summer break, he'll take one later)
7:50 - Husband grabs 1 yr old and his socks, takes downstairs
7:51 - I throw 1 yr old's shoes down the stairs
7:52 - I realize I'm not dressed yet and start to iron
7:54 - Husband is screaming at 1 yr old, I call down
          to see what the crisis is
7:55 - Husband is freaking because 1 yr old spilled apple 
          juice on him
7:56 - I call down and tell him to use the No-spill sippy cups 
7:56 - He replies, "THEY'RE BOTH DIRTY!!"  He is flipping out.
7:56 - I say "SO WASH ONE OUT!"

And I proceed to run downstairs, half clothed to wash out a damn
cup which is sitting 2 inches from the sink (with only water in
it from the night before).  I make the exchange of juice from
the first cup and head back upstairs to do my hair and pull
up a couple of pig tails for the 4 year old.

What the hell would men do without us?

Help me out here. When did it become fashionable to let your underwear hang out? It is called UNDERwear for a reason. It is amazing to me that exposed bra straps and undies are not only acceptable - they're fahionable. I don't get it. I mean, I realize that it is sometimes hard to hide those bra straps in a tank top, but at least try. At least wear a bra that is the same color as your shirt. Fast back bras with spaghetti strap tanks? I don't get it. Not to mention these new shirts that look like lingerie. WTF???

While I'm on the subject, why is it that some heavier girls insist on wearing clothes that are too tight or let their belly hang out? I understand that we all gain weight (I am the president of the "post-baby" belly club), and it can get expensive to buy new clothes (not to mention depressing). But what I'm talking about are people who won't accept their size. If you're an 18, don't buy a 12. Embrace your chubbiness. Smaller clothes make you look bigger. JEESH.

Rant of the day over.

At the risk of sounding overly concerned with the label "Preppy," I'd like to see just what it is that people think of when they hear "preppy." I usually think of an Izod wearing junior republican named Buffy who visits the country club with mummy and daddy.

This is not me at all. So why do my friends think I'm preppy? Just because I like to look neat and tidy? Because I have a pair of shoes to match every outfit? Because I make sure my underwear mathces my clothing? Because I spend more time on my hair than most spend on their make-up? (I don't wear make-up, so this all evens out). Maybe it's because I have pet peeves about spelling, grammar, capitalization and etiquette in general. I'm afraid the more I talk about my idiosnycracies, the nuttier I sound.

So, I'm no prep, just a control freak with no control whatsoever. My house is messy, I can't keep up with the laundry and I'm swimming in bills. Did I mention the 4 year old and 2 year old hanging off my legs every minute I'm home? Throw in the full time job, and I'm officially off the hook. Controlled Chaos. Does everyone live like this? And... what does it have to do with being a prep?

I was tagged by princess diaree so here goes:

Number of Books I Own: If I counted all the books in my house I'd say a couple hundred. Most of these, I've never read. I'll fess up now and say I'm not much of a reader. My husband, however is an avid reader and majored in theater in grad school, so we have a decent collection of plays and theater related stuff, some of which I've read. The rest is a mix of various authors like Sedaris, PJ O'Rourke, with some pop culture reference books, and of course, bathroom readers.

I also have a book that an old boss gave me as a birthday present: "Procrastination: How to Stop." I still haven't read it.

Last Book I Purchased: Japanese cook book along with a couple of kids books.

Last Book I've Read: I read "Big Sister Dora" to my four year old as she sat on the pot this morning... but seriously, the last full book I read was "Naked" by David Sedaris. I was looking for a piece to read at a one-act play festival. I opted for "Big Boy."

Book I Can't wait to Read: I'm at a loss here. I don't exactly keep up on what's new. I've been trying to read "The Trinity" for years. I always get a few pages in and psych myself out about how long it's going to take. Someday...

5 Most Important Books I've Ever Read:

#5) What to Expect When You're Expecting: This along with the other 20 pregnancy books I bought are musts for new moms.

#4) Where the Sidewalk Ends: To steal yet another choice from princess diaree, this is a staple for any child. Plus, Shel Silverstein had a place in Key West, my favorite place on Earth!

#3) Anything David Sedaris: Important in the sense that he can find such great humor in everyday things. Well written and easy to read.

#2) Where the Red Fern Grows: A tear jerker read in my formative years.

#1) Catcher in the Rye: The only book I remember reading cover to cover without putting it down. Just great literature.

Wow, I'm amazed that I could actually squeeze out five books! Anyone else like to take the challenge?

Okay... let's get one thing straight - I am not preppy. Okay, maybe just a little. But apparently this is how people see me. The name came from a friend's blog. She was telling a story from days past and decided to describe me using the name "preppy girl." Since then, it has kinda stuck. So...don't judge me by my name! I'm just a girl, looking at a boy, asking him to love her. But seriously, I'm your typical 34 year old, minivan-driving mother of two who happens to like LL Bean, so sue me!?